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FRIENDS AND FAMILIES OF COMPULSIVE GAMBLERS

WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE YOU LOVES GAMBLES TOO MUCH

The suggestions on this page may help a significant person in a compulsive gambler’s life approach the gambler and ask him/her to get help. It is in no way meant to substitute for professional intervention done under the guidance of a counselor, psychologist or other health care professional. It is meant only as a guide to encourage the family and the compulsive gambler to seek help. If you suspect that the gambler needs inpatient treatment, seek the advice and assistance of a certified compulsive gambling counselor (a list of those certified in Arizona is available through the Arizona Council on Compulsive Gambling, Inc.) Information about how gambling effects you and about Gamblers Anonymous and GamAnon meetings in Arizona is also available through the Council. You may wish to have that information available at the time you discuss the problem with the gambler.

Get professional help for yourself if possible and get involved in GamAnon when available.

As you go through the process of listing the gambler’s behaviors and identifying your feelings in the documentation stage, you will be recalling a lot of past pain. Clinicians say that one must do this history and grieve the losses involved or he/she may remain stuck in rage and anger. Depending on your history, doing this without the support of a professional or a support group could be devastating. Having a counselor, who is trained in intervention, help you prepare for confronting your loved one would be ideal. The ACCG can help with referrals. We also recommend Mary Heineman’s booklet, When Someone You Love Gambles, available through Hazelden.

REMEMBER:   Sometimes, no matter what you do or don't do, the gambler will go on gambling. None of your efforts will encourage the gambler to stop, or get help. In that event, it is important that you avoid being an "enabler".  To find out more about ENABLING, Click Here.

 

 

Compulsive gambling is a diagnosable & treatable disease, not a disgrace.

If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, Call 1-800 777-7207 or get help somewhere.

INFORMAL INTERVENTION

If you choose to do an informal intervention, the following four steps are suggested. They involve: validation, documentation, recommendation and consequences.

1. VALIDATION ("I care")

  • Let your loved one know that you care and believe there is more to the person than the gambling problem.
  • Go further than just saying, "I care."
  • Say, "I care about you because of............ "(list positive attributes).

2.. DOCUMENTATION ("I see", "I feel", "I’m willing to listen.")

"But some of your behaviors make it difficult for me to show how much I love you."

Write a letter to your gambler.

  • Start with the most recent unacceptable behavior and make a list.
  • Be specific about time and place of each behavior.(When did it happen and where?)
  • Describe each unacceptable behavior including bounced checks, credit card charges, missed holidays
  • Describe the feelings each incident aroused in you. Say, "When ------happened, I felt angry, sad, hurt, etc. Avoid statements like, "You made me feel angry, sad, etc." When you state or describe the behavior objectively and claim your responsibility for how you feel about it, your loved one is more likely to listen.
  • List incidents chronologically.
  • Deal only with what you have seen first hand, not with what someone else told you.
  • Be as nonjudgmental and calm as possible. Your feelings are likely to be strong and very important, but should be shared carefully.
  • Listen to the gambler as you share what you have written, or after he or she reads it.

3. RECOMMENDATIONS ("I want") Be specific. Choose only that which is appropriate to your situation. Your recommendations may include some of the following:

I want you to ..

  • Answer the Twenty Questions of Gamblers Anonymous or a similar list of questions.
  • Read the document Differences of Pathological Gamblers of Arizona available on the ACCG web or by calling ACCG.
  • Attend Gamblers Anonymous (x number of meetings a week). Women gamblers should attend a "women only" group as one of their meetings.
  • Get a GA sponsor (even a temporary one). Ask that the sponsor get in touch with you.The sponsor can serve as a person who can reassure you that your gambler is making progress in the program. (Note: males should get male sponsors; women should get women).
  • Develop an acceptable plan for money management while you are getting stabilized. This may include turning over check books, credit cards, etc.
  • Demonstrate evidence of consistently changing behavior for x period of time before major decisions in our relationship are made.
  • Get counseling from a certified compulsive gambling counselor.
  • Go to outpatient group sessions for gamblers when appropriate and available.
  • Go into inpatient treatment when appropriate and available.
  • Others that fit your individual situation.

4. CONSEQUENCES ("I will")

Think through what is likely to happen if the recommendations you suggest are followed as well as what is likely to happen if they are not followed. List only the consequences you can live with and are willing to act on.

  • "If you follow the recommendations, the results are likely to be............, then we can........"
  • "If you do not follow the recommendations, the consequences are likely to be........., and then I’ll will ...