FRIENDS AND FAMILIES OF COMPULSIVE GAMBLERS

WHEN SOMEONE YOU LOVE GAMBLES COMPULSIVELY

The following Informal Intervention procedure may help you as a spouse, relative or other significant person to approach the gambler and encourage him/her to get help. These suggestions are not intended as a substitute for professional intervention conducted under the guidance of a counselor, psychologist or other health care professional. If you suspect that the gambler needs inpatient treatment, seek the advice and assistance of a certified compulsive gambling counselor (a list of professionals is available on this website or by calling the Arizona Council).

Information about how gambling affects the gambler's family and about Gamblers Anonymous and Gam-Anon meetings in Arizona is also available on this website. You may wish to have this information available at the time you discuss the problem with the gambler.

Seek professional help for yourself if possible and get involved in GamAnon where available.

As you list the gambler’s behaviors and identify your feelings in the Documentation step, you will recall a lot of past pain. Clinicians say that you must prepare this history and grieve the losses involved or you may remain stuck in rage and anger. Depending on your history, doing this without the support of a professional or a support group could be devastating. A counselor who is trained in intervention can help you prepare for confronting your loved one. The Arizona Council can help with referrals. We also recommend Mary Heineman’s booklet, When Someone You Love Gambles, available through Hazelden.

Remember, sometimes, no matter what you do or don't do, the gambler will continue to gamble. If none of your efforts encourage the gambler to stop or get help, it is important that you avoid becoming an "enabler."  To find out more about ENABLING, Click Here.

 

 

Compulsive gambling is a diagnosable and treatable disease, not a disgrace!

If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, Call 1-800 777-7207 or get help somewhere.

INFORMAL INTERVENTION

If you decide to do an informal intervention, the following four steps are suggested. They involve: validation, documentation, recommendation and consequences.

1. VALIDATION ("I care")

  • Let your loved one know that you care and believe there is more to him/her than the gambling problem.
  • Go beyond just saying, "I care."
  • Say, "I care about you because ... " (list positive attributes).

2.. DOCUMENTATION ("I see," "I feel," "I’m willing to listen"... "but some of your behaviors make it difficult for me to show how much I love you.")

Write a letter to your gambler.

  • Make a list, starting with the most recent unacceptable behavior.
  • Be specific about the time and place of each behavior. (When did it occur and where?)
  • Describe each unacceptable behavior including bounced checks, credit card charges, missed vacations, unaccounted absences.
  • Describe the feelings each incident aroused in you. Say, "When ____ happened, I felt angry, sad, hurt, etc. Avoid statements like, "You made me feel angry, sad, etc." When you state or describe the behavior objectively and claim your responsibility for how you feel about it, your loved one is more likely to listen.
  • List incidents chronologically.
  • Deal only with what you have seen first hand, not with what someone else told you.
  • Be as nonjudgmental and calm as possible. Your feelings are likely to be strong and very important, but should be shared carefully.
  • Listen to the gambler as you share what you have written, or after he or she reads it.

3. RECOMMENDATIONS ("I want...")
Be specific. Choose only that which is appropriate to your situation. Your recommendations may include some of the following:

I want you to ..

  • Answer the 20 Questions of Gamblers Anonymous or a similar list of questions.
  • Read the document Differences of Pathological Gamblers of Arizona available on the ACCG website or by calling ACCG.
  • Attend Gamblers Anonymous ("X" number of meetings a week). Women gamblers should attend a "women only" group as one of their meetings.
  • Get a GA sponsor (even a temporary one). Ask that the sponsor get in touch with you. The sponsor can reassure you that your gambler is making progress in the program. (Note: males should get male sponsors; women should get women).
  • Develop an acceptable plan for money management while you are getting stabilized. This may include turning over checkbooks, credit cards, etc.
  • Demonstrate evidence of consistently changing behavior for "X" period of time (days, weeks, months) before we make any major decisions in our relationship.
  • Get counseling from a certified compulsive gambling counselor.
  • Go to outpatient group sessions for gamblers when appropriate and available.
  • Go into inpatient treatment if appropriate and available.
  • Agree to consider any other recommendations that may fit your individual situation.

4. CONSEQUENCES ("I will...")

Think through what is likely to happen if the above recommendations are followed. Think through what is likely to happen if they are not followed. List only the consequences you can live with and/or are willing to act on.

  • "If you follow the recommendations, the results are likely to be _____, then I will/we can ______"
  • "If you do not follow the recommendations, the consequences are likely to be _____, and then I will ______"